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Published on July 4, 2007 By Jythier In Marriage
It is my opinion that the lack of male leadership in households is the real reason behind the massive increase in divorces.

A lot of women these days think of male leadership as sexist. "A man, lead me? Hah!" they say.

Let me tell you this, then. There is nothing better for a woman than to have a man in control of her. Women have a more emotional brain, while men have more rational brains. There, I said it. There's a difference between men and women. Ooo, kill me now. Anyway, women are more likely to do things based on these emotions, rather than based on thoughts, where men will do things based on thoughts over emotions.

God put men in the leadership role of the family. This does not mean that he is to lord over everyone in his family. It means the opposite. A man needs to put the needs of his wife and family before his own needs, even when he's mad or upset about something. He cannot be letting his emotions get him away from his true goal - to love his family as if they are more important than himself. All the time.

No relationship is ever perfect, and no man is perfect. So even when the man is given control of the family, he will still mess up.

Men have a natural need to lead their family, given to him by God. Lately, women have decided that they and their children are their own concern, and that the man is no longer needed in a leadership role. When a man does not feel he is able to lead his family, often that will lead to him becoming detached and feeling unwanted. He leaves, and then the woman wonders why there is no father. Or he doesn't leave, but there is still no father.

This isn't the only reason men leave. And it is certainly no excuse for it. But women need to figure out who needs to be leading. Encourage your man to lead the household. Support him in every way you can.

This relationship works easier when you are both submitted to God first, and then to each other. But, it seems it can work outside of that too. The key to any relationship where one party is leading is trust, communication, and putting the other first. That's the only way it can work, and it's extremely difficult to realize it.

Comments (Page 1)
on Jul 04, 2007
This is true Jy. Looking back at all the marriages we've known to be the best are the ones with strong but loving husbands at the helm. We need men to be men but today in our culture, generally speaking, men are not men anymore. The women are.

God created an order that would work if abided by. He gave each sex complimentary roles so that together they make a whole. Sad to say, many don't abide by this order and when it doesn't work wonder what went wrong.

Of course we need to remember that marriage is a partnership but something to also remember even.....

no head means it's dead
two heads means it's abnormal

on Jul 05, 2007
You would like "Lies Women Believe" fits in very well with this "Christian" chauvinist bullshit.

The book is a riot. You should buy it for the little lady.
on Jul 05, 2007
She already has that one. Bu thanks for the suggestion!
on Jul 05, 2007

WOW!  When you decided to jump in, you JUMPED in!

I agree with part of this.  Each house needs a leader.  But each part of running a house can have a different leader.  And I do not think that only men are qualified to run it.  Agreeing on who runs which parts is essential.  I am glad I do not have to run the whole house, as I have enough to do with my portions of it.

on Jul 05, 2007
Being able to delegate responsibility is key to being a good leader, Dr. Guy. But someone needs to take responsibility for the whole shebang before God, and that's the man. Not my decision, but God's.
on Jul 05, 2007
But each part of running a house can have a different leader. And I do not think that only men are qualified to run it.

well it's not like that Doc. .....for instance I run the household, the bills, the groceries, all of it pretty much. But when it comes down to it my husband is the leader in our home, not me. I mean it's subtle, it's not OUT there so to speak. The boys saw a strong leader in their father, but not one with an iron fist, but one of love and concern for his family. All decisions he makes for the family he does with us in mind and with our input as well.

But someone needs to take responsibility for the whole shebang before God,

Yes, and this is why Adam was held responsible for what Eve did. God held him as leader of his household responsible for what happened.

on Jul 06, 2007
KFC, did you get my email? I tried to use the JoeUser forum email system so I don't know how well that works.
on Jul 06, 2007
OK, so here's a little question for you:

Let's say my family believes in all this man leads, woman sits by and lets him lead without complaint even if he runs his family into the ground...

What would you suggest we do when the man is gone to war every other year for 12 - 15 months at a time and communication is not constant?

I raise 3 children by myself and manage the finances, the household, fix what gets broken, clean, cook, play, instruct, everything. I am directly responsible for my children every second of every day.

Should I refrain from making decisions until I can ask him, even if he may be on gag order for days at a time? How would you suggest a military family follow this male head of the family thing?
on Jul 06, 2007
Just because the man is the leader does not mean your decision-making privileges have been removed. You still have a brain, use it. It's just a really broad version of what most people have whenever one is home with the kids and the other is away - you have certain decisions that it is your responsibility to make, regardless of what your husband wants. But there are major decisions that you would not dream of making without his input even now. Would you sell your house without discussing it with him?

When it comes to the general direction the household is going, the man is supposed to be leading the way, especially in the spiritual ways. He should start the prayer, the bible reading, all that. But he also needs to direct the family's values. If you have two people deciding the family's values, there will be a disconnect. If there is a disagreement, the kids will get confused - which value should I believe in? In a marriage with a leader, it's the leader's job to resolve this and make the final decision.

If this leader is a good leader, he will take your opinions, thoughts, and needs to heart. That's the only way it can really work.

By the way, if you're following someone who is running the house into the ground, there's a problem with that. God doesn't want your house run into the ground. If he is making poor decisions all the time, and no longer accepting your input, it's not the relationship it should be anyway. It's already a perverted version of the beautiful relationship that God designed.
on Jul 06, 2007
The "run the household into the ground" example is actually lifted from the Lies Women Believe book. It suggests doing exactly that.

I DID buy a vehicle with my husband gone. I consulted him, but it was only in a general sense. He does not have time to pour over details. I used his POA, got financing, set up the insurance, researched vehicles, did the test drives, and purchased the vehicle I wanted.

We don't have a spiritual direction as a family and are both on the same page on that, so that's not an issue.

I disagree that it's just a broad version of a man being away at work. I don't think you have any idea.

When a man is away for such a long period of time (and so frequently) with so little communication (missions/gag orders can last for a very long time), a competent female MUST become the leader. The male is no longer in the loop to the extent required to do all that the "male as head of the household" idea suggests.

I'm just curious what the recommendations are for Christian military families because it seems to me that this would NOT work for them.
on Jul 06, 2007
By the way, Texas - Thanks for commenting. I know you don't agree with this at all, but specifically thanks for making me use my brain to defend my position.

As for a man running the house into the ground, there is a responsibility to God that comes first. So if a Christian man decides that his wife should not read the Bible, and stop praying, she should not stop. Honestly, I can't tell you what you should do in a situation where the man is not leading properly. I just know that a lot of women aren't even letting men start leading, and men are becoming afraid to try. And that makes me sad.

Especially since I am one.

I want to be a servant leader, but I suck at it. I've never lead anything before. And my wife is very independent. So we often have a strained relationship. But I believe in my heart that both of us will grow, and eventually be able to take the roles that God intended for us. It's an ideal, but it's achievable to a degree at least. Currently, society is actually striving to get away from it! A relationship where each party takes 50% of the responsibility leads to each feeling like they're the good 50%.
on Jul 06, 2007
I might have to get back to you on that. After all, I really do not have any understanding of what it's like to have a husband be away for such a long time with no contact. Nor does my wife. I will try to find some Christian women to talk to about it, but I can't promise you anything.
on Jul 06, 2007
In TW's situation, she has to be the leader in her family. With no male leader, then she has no choice.

But to some degree she can still respect her husbands wishes tho. Say for instance, he doesn't like his wife to be out at night while he's gone (unless necessary) then she should make sure she abides by that the best she can. Maybe he's worried for her safety and while away he can't protect her. Or maybe he doesn't want his child to be going to the church down the street. She should abide by that as well. But every day to day decisons she has to make without him.

And when he comes home there will be adjustment. The kids are used to mom making the decisions and running the show and now all of a sudden Dad comes home and if he starts to issue an order or make a decision regarding his child the child may resent it. The best thing she can do is gently show the children that Dad is home and it's in their best interest to look at him as the leader of their home but also see that Mom and Dad are partners with different roles.

TW I give you a lot of credit, what you're doing is extrememly hard at times. I know because even tho I didn't have it as hard as you I was a tax widow from Jan-April. The kids only saw Dad on Sundays for the most part. It got to the point that in grade school the teachers knew ahead of time that David, my youngest, would act up some during the winter months. Change affected him and it was hard for him.

For the most part I made most of the decisions in my home regarding the kids and household duties, but every once in a while he would object to something, we'd talk about it and I would respect his decision or he would see my POV and we'd work it out. If we were in a stalemate, I would submit to his leadership.
on Jul 06, 2007
He's home on Sundays is enough to make it much, much easier than TW's situation.

And what KFC's saying seems right to me - we'd talk about it. Communication is the key to no-one feeling like they're being walked on. But someone has to take the lead when those stalemates occur, or else the family is going in different directions which will work perfectly to get everyone further apart.
on Jul 06, 2007
this "Christian" chauvinist bullshit.

Ha! My thoughts exactly. Thanks for stating it better than I ever could, Tex.


Y'all should go read "Backlash" by Susan Faludi . . . not that you will.